Te presentamos una nueva entrega de un artículo de Goop sobre un tema que nuestra sociedad tenía pendiente: las nuevas formas de relacionarnos amorosamente. Algo que abordamos en varios de nuestros talleres y que nos interesa mucho dentro de nuestra investigación acerca de las formas de activar nuestra versión de vida más plena y auténtica. Como siempre, nos encantaría conocer vuestra opinión (debajo en los comentarios).
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If you want to explore opening your relationship with your partner, what’s the best way to communicate it or broach the subject?
I’m not convinced there’s one best way. Some people test the water by asking about related topics to see how their partner responds while others approach it directly. There are a few principles, however, that come to mind.
Fully acknowledge the legitimacy of their feelings. If you entered the relationship with an implicit or explicit commitment to monogamy, your partner is going to feel some combination of surprised, angry, or deceived—who wouldn’t? Avoiding, minimizing, or rushing through this part of the process will not serve you or your partner.
Be patient and supportive. If you want to maintain the relationship, you’re going to need to take it slow to give your partner the time and support they need to metabolize their feelings. Doing so is the only way to create space for your partner to step into curiosity about the evolution of your desire.
Your partner may conflate their desire for connection with judgment. While in their anger or surprise, your partner may make accusations or judge you or CNM. Being drawn to multiple people is stigmatized and it can be a lightning rod. Try to ride the wave and do your best not to personalize any attacks. I’m not saying it’s okay, but it is common. Hold tightly to the truth that there’s nothing wrong with you holding curiosity about CNM. They may not have the language to say it, but their anger stems from their desire to be connected to you.
Do your homework. Once you engage the topic, be prepared to provide reassurance and have resources available to address your partner’s concerns. Again, reading a book or exploring online resources together may be helpful.
Find support. You can’t do this alone. Both of you need a supportive community. Hopefully you have friends or family who would be supportive, but many people do not. If that’s the case, there are a number of resources and online communities you can turn to. You may also want to seek out a therapist. Granted, finding a therapist who is educated about CNM can be difficult, but we are working on that. Poly-friendly Professionals is a great place to start. We also developed a resource that you can provide to your therapist to educate them about CNM, because you shouldn’t have to spend time in your session doing it.
What if the exploration is born of being less interested in the primary relationship?
If you’re clear on that, then the honest thing to do would be to find a way to share this with your partner. It’s not always cut-and-dried though. There are typically a number of reasons people want to open their relationship—experiencing dissatisfaction about some aspect of the relationship doesn’t mean the relationship needs to end or should stay closed.
In her book Mating in Captivity, Esther Perel goes into detail about how discussing or engaging in CNM can enhance or recharge a relationship. Whatever the source of your curiosity, it is worth examining because it points to your authentic desires.
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